Journal Entry 9.21.23

I got this message today from a friend, probably sent voice to text over Facebook. It is brilliant in its immediacy. It is brilliant in that she knows me so well and sees through all the artifice. It is brilliant in the metaphors she uses.

“you are welcome and thank you for making this.sort of trite, my comment about the "trail" but I was really thinking a lot about it and had written something that I decided to erase because it sounded even more so, trite. obviously what you have written is in no way trite...it must have taken a lot to get it all down and out that way (compartmentalizing as Kate Bush would say "I put this moment here"..) it's obvious that you have been working through this for so long yet the site seems very fresh. what I was going to say last night was that the excerpts sound like roads that you've been on and almost don't need to go back to again particularly now that you have them paved. i feel it most important for you to not necessarily go back to them now... in doing so you could find all the potholes--and sometimes each time you look back it could seem like they've gotten gotten bigger...Warning! do not fall into them and totally get your tires busted!!! ha! and I'm yelling at the side of the road" who the f*** is going to fill those potholes hasn't she paid her f****** taxes in FULL? !! I imagine seeing a few select people in your life fillling the potholes reluctantly. I see them wearing State uniforms in Orange vests. they'll never catch up and you'll never go down those roads again. It sounds hard not to linger on those things past, right? do you feel that writing about them has helped? to hear about how all of these moments in your life have affected you makes me mad and also worried. the many times you mark about how you feel unseen unloved I think these are thoughts you need to leave behind (I'm sorry to say you Need to as though I have any right to say it, it's just my opinion). See you on those crappy roads others laid down ( because it's true in a way they did--they knew who you were. Should know who You are (particularly the reoccurring comment about being too sensitive--because they they should have known you) your sense of responsibility and care for others was taken advantage of --that's clear. It is deeply disturbing and anyone who bears witness to this story can see that, I believe. You've also been kind to leave what must be dirty details out. In some way it would be good for all of the people involved in your story to read it from your perspective... although maybe it would do no good and probably just disappoint you again because it is doubtful that they would change a thing they did. but I'm not saying what I really think I'm not sure I know how to Something tells me this next trip you're taking is going to be very different from all the others. I'm scared a little bit for you and really hope that you are not feeling so on edge while you're on it. I also hope the idea of coming back to Vinalhaven does not create a looming sense of getting back to things and reorganizing. you wrote it can't be rushed. I have not got the sense (never have) that you felt rushed. the burden of feeling a need to do something but it's more than this feeling of Rush--it's sort of an expectation of change. Would that be at all accurate to say? An expectation that people won't disappoint you or maybe that you won't disappoint them. I don't believe you've ever disappointed the people who love you. if so then they're the ones that are too sensitive you're just living your life and making them see that they don't have the control they wish to”