Journal Entry 12.12.23

Grief and longing. Which leads to which? I have learned that longing is a kind of attachment. But my grief has created a longing in me. Grief and longing are so familiar to me. The longing leads to behaviors that relate to the issues that are familiar to me as grief. I have suffered so greatly, but am I so used to suffering that I anticipate it, invite it, and reject beauty and love and opportunity. I am not yet sure why. Do I reject the extraordinary love and opportunity available to me so that I match the miserable creature I was taught that I was? Or am I afraid to discover the imperfect, fallible, vulnerable, love that isn’t something I can control and design in the image I want it to exist in? I know I am scared to be yet again disappointed, to be let lose, un-moored, in unfamiliar territory. It is so strange that I will adventure to the wild corners of the world, and yet am afraid of the ordinary risks that come with love.