Journal Entry 11.18.23

I am beginning the transition from mapping to repair and am discovering some loose threads from the materials and processes that I have already traveled through—unweaving/unbinding, release, mapping. One thread I have overlooked that still binds me is not feeling appreciated. I want to feel loved and valued and for that to reflect my love and value. I am angry and resentful that the people in my life don’t appreciate me. But I have got that information flowing in the wrong direction. I am wanting to see the evidence to feel the truth, rather than finding the truth in what exists. I am not valued and loved the way I ought to be—not by everyone who should and not all of the time. That is because the people I love and the people I allow in my life are human and fallible and flawed and busy and are not put on this earth to reflect my value.

Diamonds are clear pieces of carbon compressed to make a hard material. They glitter, when cut a certain way, in the light. There are so many stones, precious and semi-precious and ordinary that it is strange we have decided those are the most “valuable”. If I had to chose between an emerald, a sapphire, a ruby, and a diamond I am certain I would chose a colored stone. I like their colors, their flaws, the way light plays inside them. But we as a species have designated value according to “clarity, cut”, etc.. Our society “values and appreciates” those qualities.

Appreciation is a valuation, it is a term of commodification. To appreciate is to assign and to increase in value. Who is doing my valuation? How does one assign value to a person’s innate attributes. Do I appreciate the person who helped me birth my child, do I appreciate the person who didn’t drop a brick on my foot, do I appreciate the smile a person gives me that allows me to feel embraced in a strange city? It is impossible to assess and yet I long for appreciation like it is an object of great value.