Journal Entry 11.7.23

When I travel like I do, living in villages, struggling to speak a language, trying instead to use the international language of being human, I do not have a lot of excess time and energy. I wake up, bathe perhaps depending on where I am, dress, eat, and begin my day. Because my time is limited and direct contact and communication based on facial expressions and gesture to improve comprehension is so precious I don’t have a lot of room for doubt, vanity, ego, or self-care.

It is wonderful because it pares away excess and unnecessary thoughts and second guessing. But it is difficult because one cannot channel out one’s self for too long before you no longer are contributing yourself to the interaction of being in relation to others. Being too empathetic to the point of saving no energy for yourself causes burnout surprisingly quickly.

And yet, it is refreshing to not wonder if I am too fat or too old, or to question if I should be exercising or working harder or if I am unloved or if my life has had meaning as if there is any answer to those questions that are as definitive as the question itself.

But this is too extreme an existence to maintain for very long. I long for a little time, alone, comfortable, naked, perhaps in my own bed, doing exactly what I feel like doing for myself and not trying to take into account the social dynamics of an entire village over an extended period of time.