Journal Entry 9.18.23

What part of my grief have I not yet touched on? What else needs to be uprooted and brought to the surface to be examined in the light and the air? My parents’ deaths were earth shattering, but in many ways, straightforward. The death of your elders is expected, is in the natural order of things, and understandable. We have constructs that exist in society to help us pass through that time of grief.

I have found the experience of my parents’ death unexpected even though their deaths were not. My mother, who I often overlooked and ignored because of her ability to fade into the woodwork affected me deeply. I missed her presence more than I realized I would. I also discovered that she stayed with me and resided more in me than I had realized. My father was larger than life while he was alive, so I expected I would feel a huge gap when he was gone, but there was no gaping hole following his death. I wonder if it is due to the trauma of what came next or because he and I never knew one another in a deep spiritual sense. He constructed himself the same way he constructed me. I am not sure. It just has been unexpected. I like remembering them. I like remembering aspects of them because they were not perfect parents, they were at times abusive and neglectful, but they were also my heroes and guides in life. They taught me and introduce me to some of the greatest gifts in my life. I choose which parts of them I keep near, what parts I choose to reject. I get to choose the relationship I have with them, something I never got to choose while they were alive.