Journal Entry 10.13.23

Today taught me that I still have attachment to very specific thoughts. I doubted love. I assumed rejection. No reason for it. It just was a familiar path. It was protective, even though those thoughts have never protected me from anything. What if I were to believe I am loved and cherished and valued and adored. What would the cost be? I have never been protected by thinking I am unlovable, and yet I go back to that thought all the time. I assume rejection in advance of rejection…just in case. But it does nothing for me.

What if I were to assume that I was lovable and loved? What if I assumed that rejection was a manifestation of the other and not of me? What if I opened myself as wide open to love as I possibly could and let it all in, let in the risk, the potential for broken heartedness, for joy and betrayal and hope and fun? What if I took as big a risk as a climb to 10,000+ feet? I am much less likely to have successfully hiked from sea level to 10,000+ feet than I am to be loved and be worthy of love and yet I believed that I could do an impossible climb whereas being loved seems so unknowable to me.

I am keeping track of my continued attachments. My traps that follow me to my mountain escape.