Journal Entry 10.14.23

So I am keeping an eye and an ear open for attachment and grief that resides hidden in the shadows of my soul. Believing I will never be loved, that I have to be defensive, that I am not respected and have to fight for legitimacy. It is all the residue from my upbringing that I accepted without question.

What is the antidote? Believing that I am loved and lovable. That I can trust love and not be braced for the inevitable hurt, that I am beautiful and desirable. That the reason I am chosen might have more to do with the worthiness of others and not of my own worthiness. Believing that it does not matter if there are people who don’t like me or who don’t respect me. That I am worthy even if there are others who cannot see it. That rejection or disapproval is a cover for other peoples’ insecurity and their feeling threatened by me. Believing that I am as lovlely and wonderful and kind and gifted as what other people say. Respecting myself irrespective of other people’s reactions. I have learned to look to others disrespect far too long that I have lost any sense of self value.

I am embarrassed and feel shame even as I talk about being lovely and lovable, about being talented and respected. I was taught that to feel good about myself was problematic for others. That it could damage or threaten others, that I would become vain and invite the anger of the Gods if I felt even a little of the admiration that others feel for me. (As if the gods even pay attention to such things.).

I need to bind myself to all the goodness in me even as I bind myself from all the attachment and grief.