Journal Entry 10.1.23

Today I am scared. Today we begin the journey to Tsum. Today I begin the harder journey to release myself from my grief and suffering. I do not actually know if I am capable of this trek—either one. My breathing which has never been good, is challenged by strain and by altitude and I have never done well hiking. I have learned that despite the gasping and the pain and the dizziness that, slowly, slowly, I always make it. I am hoping the same thing will apply with my emotional journey. But I am also scared about that climb. What if I don’t make it? What if I am unable to repair from all the catastrophic loss? What if I stumble, fall to my knees and give up in tears? What if I fall off a cliff, metaphoric or real? My son just scolded me. “Be here now.” I unbind myself from fear.

Today, I am freshly showered. I am drinking strong coffee with my friend. I heard the roosters outside at dawn and they comforted me. Now the dogs are barking nervously and the birds are doing their early morning chirping. I sit comfortably on my bed writing. I think of the richness of the moment and the comforts found in the ordinary.