Journal Entry 9.24.23
As my son and I were waiting to catch our flight to Kathmandu, he dropped the news that his bio-Dad had tried to get in touch with him in 2021 when I was in the middle of my divorce from my second husband (a complete coincidence I am certain). My son had chosen to not tell me in part because he felt I was dealing with too much emotion and pain. My son’s bio-Dad walked out of his life when he was 12, citing my horridness as the justification. They had not rekindled their relationship, despite his bio-Dad occasionally sending “Happy Father’s Day! messages, and Happy Birthday Facebook message every 5 years or so. His bio-Dad had had a near death motorcycle accident when my son was 16. It was a horrible time, but the bio-Dad’s wife and extended family handled the entire situation so badly my son decided it was wise to just stay as far away from the whole shit show as was humanly possible. But to nearly lose the father of your child is a terrible thing no matter how viciously they divorced you..
Strangely, it evoked some emotion in me. My son had looked his bio-Dad up on Facebook and I was happy to see my ex (relatively) happy and healthy. He also divorced his second wife at the same time I divorced my second husband. But he was making art again and seemed to feel good about his life. I continue to feel conflicted about this cruel, neglectful, selfish man who treated his son like an accessory. But I had once loved him, and still felt love for him. I did not want him anywhere near me, but I do wish him well and hope he is happy.
I had hoped to dig up all the grief and bring it to the surface in this month of September. I had wanted to tidily completely the task and then move on to the next one. This story made me realize I will never be done with or free of the grief. But I have to transform my experience of grief.
When my son shared this news I immediately felt feelings of being rejected again. I felt aloneness. I felt like an outsider. This is part of the stories that I carry with me. Wasteful, hateful stories that cut me off from the love around me. My lover wrote me a text filled with desire and all I could think of was how far we are from the relationship I crave. I did not delight in his love, I did not feel special and lucky and wanted. I went to the familiar message, “you are unwanted, your are rejected, you are unlovable”. Those are the threads I will have to strip away over and over again, long after this journey is done.